The loss of a friend, a brother and a teacher

I have two invaluable helpers with this business. One is my loving partner in life – Jamie. The other – Anthony Guilbert – helps more on the back end (website) and overall inspiration as well as collaborative projects with his writing and my photography.

Ive known him for over 23 years and he has been by my side for every aspect of my life.

There will be a slowing down of content for a short time while we recover from this devastating loss.

*There is one instance of the “F” word in this post. Not typical for this page, but I am leaving the text as I wrote it.

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Hi Friends.

I’m writing from a very, very dark place. After a long string of losses, I’ve just received a hit that I feel has broken me.

My Best Friend, Brother (not blood, but we are from Brooklyn and this kind of bond is like blood), Mentor, Master Teacher, Spiritual Guide, Beatnik, Writer, Artistic Collaborator and Business Partner of 23 years passed away Thursday afternoon without warning. He had survived Thyroid Cancer and was given a green light to relax a bit just weeks ago. He suffered a massive Coronary Embolism (99% sure that’s what it was – I wasn’t doing well while getting this news) Thursday afternoon. His loving partner April messaged me from his phone yesterday (Friday) afternoon to let me know. This was the plan for keeping me in the loop during his Cancer Surgery and Treatment. But we had relaxed as it was over – he was safe.

I met Anthony Guilbert in Community College on Long Island NY– he was my English 111 professor, and we clicked immediately. Sometime during that first semester we both road tripped to a protest in Washington DC. It went south quickly and we were back-to-back fighting off Riot Cops and pulling Black Clad Anarchist kids out of custody (called affectionately – Unarresting).

A true Zen Buddhist, a bizarre Buddhist. He opened the world of Buddhism up to me and guided me for the next 23 years with love and compassion. He taught Qigong and Tai Chi and is (in my opinion) a Master of Mindfullness. We helped each other through tough times, and celebrated with each other in the joyous times.

Most recently, he humbled me with his approach to a Cancer Diagnosis. I stood with him unwavering in my devotion to my friend and Lama (Tibetan for Teacher).

I have spent 23 years, just over half my lifetime with Anthony physically present. An entire lifetime wouldn’t even be enough to have all the talks we had waiting. To learn from each other, to teach each other and experience the bizarre thing we call life together.

We had some very solid plans for joint projects this spring and summer. With some help and a miracle, I plan on continuing one of them and hope to talk more about that later.

After his Diagnosis this past September 2021 – we worked very closely and quickly together to get some stuff done. He built my business website and has been an unwavering source of support, advice and inspiration. We have been communication constantly and I still expect to see a text message or e-Mail come though on a dozen things we had going on at once.

I was scared, but never truly felt he would succumb to the Cancer. And he didn’t! This was an absolute blindside. I have a long list of regrets at this point that I need to come to terms with. I should have asked him – “How should I mourn you. How would you like to see me carry on?” I can imagine his answer. There was this bar back in the Hamptons we used to hang out at all the time. All those on the liminal side hung out there. My parents even met in this place – The Handsome House. I remember one time like it was yesterday. Anthony and I were on opposite sides of a booth seat – diagonal from each other. Someone else was there too but I can’t remember who. We were all just sitting and people watching, silently. He looks straight at me and says “You know, one day we are all gonna be Fucking dust. Let’s just have fun till then”

I never fully understood wailing at someone’s death. I understand it now, as I was driving in traffic when I got this news, and immediately broke with disbelief, tears, crying and screaming.

I never fully understood Denial of someone’s death. I understand it now, as I am honestly having a difficult time believing this news. He and his family live in Colorado.

It’s been a terrible past year of death and losses, for both Jamie and myself – and seemingly many of my friends. But who do you go to for solace when the person you go to for solace, for answers – is the one who died? What teacher can help you when your teacher is the one who died.

Ill be honest and up front right now. I am not in danger of self-harm- BUT I am not OK. I am in denial, I am angry, I feel lost. I feel cheated. I feel like a vital organ has been torn from me. I am absolutely 100% not OK. Even sitting at this computer, where I have spent so much time working with him, video chatting and talking for hours and hours on end – sitting at this computer hurts right now. I can’t just email, or text, or call, or see his face again. I am not OK.

I’ll likely continue to write profusely over the coming weeks – and it’s the only fair thing to do to honor an amazing and prolific writer that Anthony was. Much of it may end up here, some may end up elsewhere. I have several books in my head now that he will never get to read. I really wanted the old professor to grade me. Ha. Right?

I’ve never in my life experienced this level of intense pain and grief. I can honestly say this is the most pain and grief I have ever been in.

Ill end this in his words, and post links to his written legacy in the coming days.

“We are all guests of reality, visiting occasionally – then gone. Cicadas and old ravens are indeed laughing at our folly. But what kind of guest would I be if I didn’t leave a note or two for those who enjoy this space with me.” Anthony Guilbert

I will say this – Anthony and I are not done working together. The dynamics have just changed drastically.